You might ask me if there’s anything that I’m going to regret. And when I think about what my reply to that question would be, I surprise even myself with the answer.

All of the people who know me even slightly would probably think that I’d say something like, “I regret never having been able to love.” Well, that’s just bullshit. It’s true, I’ve never really loved anyone, but how can I feel regret for it if I’ve never known what this so-called ‘love’ feels like? To me, saying that I regret not feeling love would be as absurd as someone saying, “I regret not having been born a fish” or “I regret the sky being blue instead of green”. How am I supposed to know if loving someone would even be worth my regret?

And on that topic, has anyone even actually proved that love exists? Has anyone been able to bottle it up, test it for its chemical properties, put it under a microscope and really study it?

In my mind, there is no such thing. Maybe all the people who think that they have ‘loved’ someone, in actuality have had some sort of brain disease that causes them to feel a type of euphoria or pain whenever they are near the person or persons of their choice. It’s all chemical. That would explain why we don’t all fall in love with the same person. Hey, crazy people aren’t all crazy in the same way, right? I think that is a far more logical explanation for those feelings rather than classifying them as some sort of unexplainable and invisible sensation that draws people together in such a way that they never want to be set free.

I mean, it all makes sense if you really think about it. When people have a disease like schizophrenia, and they feel things or see things that are not really there. And when we find these people, we put them into some kind of institution or we pump them up with heavy drugs to try to erase those hallucinations and feelings – because we know that ‘they are not real’. Maybe love is the same thing. Nothing but a disease that so many people had been infected with it was simply easier to assume that it was real than to pump everyone who experienced it full of drugs to ‘cure’ it.

Maybe this was a disease that evolved into humans, a mutation that developed long ago and continued to be bred into existence because those who felt this ‘love’ were more likely to copulate with each other. And because it happened at a time when our brains were not fully developed, our technology not even beginning to advance, the first people who experienced it and knew that something was different had no way to fix it…so it ended up being a part of everyone.

Well, mostly everyone. I managed to escape it… a mutation from the mutation. So who knows? Perhaps I, and a select few others, are the only ones who had immunity to this dreaded disease.

Laugh it up, I know you are doing so. I know you are thinking “but how can something so wonderful be a disease?” Now it’s my turn to laugh. I know that every single person who has been or is now in love has felt pain because of it. And when I talked, or actually when I listened to other people talk to me about this subject, they told me that during their grieving time they actually believed that it was the worst pain that could possibly be felt. Oh no, despite what some people believe, the pain felt on the outside is not the worst. It’s the pain on the inside that strikes people in places that they cannot heal. Band-aids don’t go there.

Ha-ha, I can just imagine Johnson & Johnson trying to cash in on that golden opportunity. “Love band-aids! Heal the hurt of a broken heart in HALF the time! Just swallow the capsule! The outside layer of gelatin will dissolve and the specially treated band-aid will affix itself to your broken heart. Now only $5.99!”

No, lack of love is something I do not, and never could, regret.

This is actually fun. What else don’t I regret that I can shock you with? Well, I don’t regret never really getting to know my parents. They were both killed in a car accident while they were on their way to pick me and my younger brother up from the babysitter’s house. I had just turned four, and my brother was not even a year old. It’s funny, because I don’t remember them at all… but I do remember that babysitter.

My aunt and uncle got custody of us, though I’m not sure they really wanted to. They had made a conscious decision to not have kids, and suddenly they had two boys that didn’t even belong to them. They weren’t bad people, they tried, but I think that they resented their freedom being taken away from them so suddenly. Of course the first chance they got they sent us away to a private school, but I’m not bitter for that. I understand how it must have been for them.

Well, here I go, I keep on talking about things that I don’t regret, and I haven’t answered the question of what I do regret. Maybe I’m stalling because the only regret that I can think of is such a small thing that it’s almost embarrassing. But here it is anyway.

I remember when I was 9 years old, just a year before I was sent off to a school in California, my aunt and uncle took my brother and me to McDonald’s. We both got a Happy Meal, and we eagerly shoved aside the food to see what toys we got. I remember the look on my brother’s face when he saw that the toy that I had received was exactly the one that he had been hoping to get. It was a Hot Wheels car, painted a rusty red, and when you looked into the windows you could see a tiny dog sitting in the backseat.

My brother got a car in his Happy Meal as well, but it was the one with the dog that he had really wanted. I remember him pleading with me to trade with him, but in my mind all I remember thinking was “if he wants it THAT much, I’m sure not going to give it to him!” And I wouldn’t do it.

It was mostly stubbornness, I admit… I didn’t really want the car. I ended up throwing it into the pond that was in our backyard after about a week…I didn’t want to play with it anymore but I didn’t want him to be able to play with it either. So I put it where he would never find it.

Yeah, so that’s what I regret. Never giving him the car. It’s silly, I know, to regret something that happened so long ago, but I do. And the funny thing is, he didn’t even remember anything about that car when I asked him about it years after it happened. Of course, that’s not surprising. My brother got pretty heavily into drugs when he was about 15… and not just pot. I’m talking the major drugs.  The drugs people use when all they want to do is to escape from themselves. Cocaine, crack, heroin, you name it, he’d done it. He died last year from an overdose… he was only 22.

I have no idea why I’m writing all these things that really don’t make any sense. I’m sitting here, trying to get some sort of meaning out of my life, something that is meaningless, before it’s too late.

What else does no one know about me? Well, I used to see things, when I was younger. This was something that I never told anyone. I didn’t want to be stuck into some kind of institution. I didn’t want to be poked, prodded, observed, and everything else that I imagined would happen if I was ever found out. It was strange, and I always assumed that I must be extremely special because no one else saw what I did. That makes me laugh now, but it meant something to me then. What I actually saw was swirls of color, emitting from each person I met. Hah, I know you thought I was going to say something like I saw dragons and leprechauns, didn’t you? Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you. I didn’t see any of that, but those brilliant cascades of color, they were always there. Well, not always. Actually, I started to see them starting when I was about 12. They stopped just a few years after they started. I have no idea what they were, but after the initial confusion, just seeing them there was actually a sign of comfort to me.

I never believed in any kind of god. I mean, the whole idea is absolutely absurd. An all-powerful being who watches everything we do… A being that could snap his fingers and everything that he wanted just appeared… A being that cares if we kill or steal or rape or beat. Who the hell came up with that idea? Probably some early law makers who just wanted to keep people in line. But the whole idea just doesn’t make sense! But I suppose it’s not really all that surprising to me that so many people believe in this. I read somewhere that more people believe in ESP than they do in evolution. They believe in something that has never been proven to exist over something that has been established over and over again. I guess it just shows how stupid most people in this world are. I mean, think about it, don’t you think that if there WAS a god, he would have stricken more than half of us dead by now? If this ‘god’ of ours really cares whether we do good or do wrong, don’t you think he would have created us without the perverse desires that permeate themselves into our minds and societies? Giving us the freedom of choice is one thing, but if he truly did invent us, then he also created the evil that lies in so many minds. The warped desires of so many human beings… desires to possess and control and get power no matter what the cost, and then to use that power to knock down the masses in any way possible. He created our minds to contain knowledge that we are not supposed to use, and to have temptations that we are not allowed to follow? All I have to say is, why the hell did he give them to us in the first place? If there is a god, he sure plays some sick and twisted games with us.

So that’s it. That’s all I really can say. I kind of want to say more, but the pills I took have made writing this get harder and harder…

I’m dying as I write this. I don’t know, I think I just got sick of living. There is nothing here worth me waiting around even a little longer for. Nothing and no one. So why prolong something that is completely not worthwhile? It’s like, wasted energy. You don’t put a battery into a piece of equipment that doesn’t really do anything except suck out the juice, do you? Well, I’m kinda like that useless piece of equipment and the battery is the life that I’m living. I’m living it, sucking up the energy but not doing anything worthwhile. Well maybe this battery should be used for something else. So I’m pulling the battery out.

I realize that I’m probably not making much sense anymore, but hell, I actually don’t think I’ve ever made as much sense as I’m making now.

I don’t know who’s going to find this letter, and truthfully, I don’t really care. I just wanted to finally speak where someone would be forced to listen. Hah, yes for once, I’ve finally gotten the last word. Words written that don’t mean a thing…

I’m going to lie down now; my eyes have gotten so heavy that I cannot keep them open. I just want to go to sleep, but I don’t want to end this yet, there is still so much that I want to say, things that I could never have the nerv